"You're Not Listening" Me Either

"You're Not Listening" was brought up at a birthday party where one husband carried the book seemingly acknowledging that he needed to be reminded to pay more attention to his wife.  Actually he always seemed more attentive than most.  Sneakily copied the title and author and a few days later picked up from the library.

Listening is a neglected skill.  Your life will improve when you improve your listening. 

 One is never too old to learn new things.  Bad habits hinder one's enjoyment of life.  I have plenty of them and suspect that most of you do as well.  It is not all your fault as you have learned them from your family and friends, plus society makes it difficult to always pay attention.

Stephen R Covey's 5th rule is "Seek first to understand then to be understood".   Why?  Because understanding enriches our lives.  It is natural to judge people on superficial awareness, but better to listen to what they are willing to tell you.  If you are really listening to them they will be more inclined to listen to you.

Are you guilty of interrupting, responding vaguely or illogically, looking at your phone or away from the speaker or fidgeting?  Most of us have done these and other poor habits.   What holds back really listening?  Our mind provides distractions.  Planning your response, thinking of another problem or something you would rather do are some of the things we do instead of listening.  

Talking with someone close to you creates a communication bias.  Familiarity too easily causes complacency.

Were you clearly able to hear what was being said?  Society subjects us to loud noises that damage our ears and interfere with conversations.  It is natural to guess or assume what was said, but you are not always correct.  Don't be shy, ask for a repetition which could be like asking for a clarification.   

There is more to listening than hearing.  Facial expressions and body language can reinforce what you are hearing or contradict the words.  When you are talking keep your eyes on your audience to see how they are reacting.

We fool ourselves into thinking we can do different tasks at an acceptable level of competence at the same time.  A favorite example of why this is wrong is a very common practice that I indulge in myself; listening to music while eating.  It certainly is more pleasant than gobbling food between tasks. If you are really honest you will admit that you are not quite catching all the music which might be better enjoyed laying down in the dark with earphones.  On the other hand the music can distract you so that you eat more than you might otherwise or you don't chew as thoroughly as you might otherwise or you might not savor the flavors quite as much.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but don't kid yourself, you are not getting the most out of the two activities.  Listening and daydreaming don't mix well.  See  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2022/05/stolen-focus-you-need-to-focus-before.html

Distractions are everywhere.  At a party, at home and at work.  When you really want to understand someone it is ideal to get away from the crowd.  At an open office you may need to get out or find an empty office.  

An effective response could be to support what was just said.  For example after the other person makes a statement you could support them by asking how they feel about it or how they reached that stage.

Sometimes an effective response is silence.  You are trying to digest what has been said, but another benefit is the other person feels compelled to say something.  This has worked for salesmen.

Learning what you are up against will help to mitigate negative results.  Ideally know about your audience and before expressing strong opinions try to assess their opinions.

Instead of "Acknowledgements" the author used "Gratitude" and refers to people who have helped her understanding of listening.  She obviously listened well to thousands of people and admits she has made a few mistakes herself.

"You're not listening" contains many ideas with some research to back them up.  The ideas I have squeezed out for my post are really just a few examples.  To understand her philosophy and get the most of the book you need to read it.  You will find it worth while.  I have found it with much needed advice which I may struggle to execute.