Bitter-Sweet

Bias in book selections and even book reviews hits home with this author.  We all identify with those most like us.  Susan Cain lays out much of her personal psyche and it resonates with me.  A previous book, "Quiet" was about introverts and I was pleased to read that I wasn't alone, nor as unimportant as I sometimes felt.

 With "Bitter-sweet" a few references to cellos hit home.  Until my son took violin lessons I had no particular interest in cello music, but a concert changed that.  Not an accident if one believes Susan.  Some of us (more than suspected) actually feel joy in sad music.

I apologize for all the use of "I" in the beginning, but this is really a confession.  Like you, I feel most comfortable with the familiar.  I maintain that it is in my best interest if more people can better understand people like me.  I do believe whatever side of the spectrum you land on, you will find merit in her book.

Of course I am not exactly like Susan Cain, in fact none of us are exactly like anyone else.  Still, we categorize people which can lead to misunderstandings, but sometimes we can understand ourselves better when another human describes the similarities.  If we look hard enough there are similarities with everyone and the search would make for a better world.

The title Bitter-sweet indicates that there is often a connection between sadness and joy.  She recounts the story of "Inside Out" (2015) which was planned as an animated drama of the importance of emotions.  As Peter Docter got into the topic he realized that humans need a balance of emotions after first rejecting sadness , but late in production discovered it was necessary.  The film was actually re scripted to reflect this new insight.  My daughter Heather had recommended this film often enough that we finally succumbed and watched it. 

Our mortality and suffering provide a source for sadness.  It isn't just our mortality and suffering, but that of others that results in much bereavement and regrets.  Everyone and everything has to die, but the author suggests that maybe living forever isn't ideal either using references to "Gilgamesh" and "The Flying Dutchman" to make her point.  Both Hinduism and Buddhism advocate the goal of life is to be free of rebirth.  

Charles Darwin is quoted:  "We are impelled to relieve the suffering of another in order that our own painful feelings may at the same time be relieved."

Susan  believes "...sorrow, longing and even mortality itself a unifying force, a pathway to love and that our greatest and most difficult task is learning how to walk it."

One of the sources of sadness is disappointment.  Alain de Botton points out that none of us are perfect and neither are our partners.  It is easy to focus on the faults of others, but we need to accept them for who they are and fix what is wrong with us and that is a life long project. 

Susan argues that as we all die, we all have something in common and pretending otherwise detracts from our ability to enjoy life.  Marcus Aurelius:  "You could leave life right now.  Let that determine what you do and say and think."

Finding meaning in life is what helps us to deal with suffering.  Dr. William Breitbart works with dying cancer patients to build a sense of meaning.  He quotes Friedrich Nietzsche:  "We who have a why to live can bear almost any how."

For many readers the contrast between sadness and joy is strange while for others it seems very natural.  Susan discusses many contrasting views as presented by philosophers, psychologists and others.  Readers will find views they have shared, but many will find new perspectives.  Well worth the effort.

An earlier blog is about her book on introverts which is worth reading whether you think you are one or not:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2012/05/quiet-power-of-introverts-in-world-that.html

Another book reminded of by a Steve Paikin interview.

If you check out her website you can take a Bitter-sweet quiz,  listen to her TED talk and among other things get a playlist of Bitter-sweet music:  www.susancain.net

A CHANGE IN MY SOCIAL MEDIA THINKING

I've gotten my feet wet and like many people just started with social media am wondering if I am making any progress or just wasting my time. Time to do a little assessment and perhaps refine my strategy.

Since this past Christmas I have become more involved with Facebook after a few months of Twitter and a little blogging.  I recently read a book about introverts after reading some books that advocated generating ideas through groups.  "Quiet" by Susan Cain suggested that many people feel more comfortable and are more successful thinking solitarily.  But she more than conceded that the inter-net really opens the synergy of ideas.

I have been told (and read) that social media is about a conversation not a sermon. Many of us start out as "stalkers" meaning we like to read interesting things other people present without revealing anything of ourselves.  Some of us move onto being missionaries spouting off our outlook on life. Almost by accident I have discovered that when you make an attempt to actually help someone or even just to understand them better they are more apt to respond.

Everyone is unique.  A good strategy is to find your niche.  Makes sense.  Like everyone who reads this (and the far greater crowd that is totally unaware of it) I am unique. There are things in life that I have learned I want more of. There are a few things I have learned that seem to put me on a path to getting more of what I want. The two thoughts are very closely connected and can be very compatible.

Being unique means not every body will be interested in what interests me nor that I will be interested in everything that interests them. More basically if we really want to understand and appreciate other people you have to understand and appreciate what interests them.   The more intimate you want to get with another person the more you need to understand their interests.

To get more of what I want, I need to help more people get more of what they want (paraphrasing Zig Ziglar).  Realistically there are only some things or combinations of things that are worth any reader's time. they can get much of what I say elsewhere.  Grabbing the interest of any reader is a challenge.

My plan is to appeal to as wide an audience as I can. No one will be interested in the whole package, but many will be interested in different aspects of my message.

My message is basically here are some things I enjoy that you might also and here are some thoughts that might help you get what you want. A few things you might be tempted to buy or find out more about (and help me pay some bills and have more time to indulge in what I enjoy). Just knowing what you want is a big part of the battle.  Some thoughts might seem like new ideas (or at least re-packaged), but many thoughts are just reinforcements of what you already know.

Can we help each other to enjoy more of life?  Maybe appreciate some beauty that escaped us before or use our resources more optimally to get what we really want.  One thing for sure, nobody made it entirely on their own although many act and pontificate as though they had.

Every thought you ever had might be of interest to or even benefit someone. At the same time most of them will bore the vast majority who either have already thought something very similar or really are focused in a very different direction.  Write to the masses, cater to individuals.  Represent yourself--everyone has something to offer.

Sometimes venturing a thought exposes you to other people.  Don't be afraid of other people's opinions.  they can be helpful or destructive or ignored.

Writing your ideas down forces you to think and reinforces them.  Although I am as vain as anyone, I also benefit from being forced to organize my thoughts.

Or is this all about vanity?  Is that a totally bad thing?

The photo is of Veradero Beach taken through some trees.  

"Quiet The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking " Are you one of them?

I always thought I was one of "them." The author,  Susan Cain is a bit ambiguous with definitions, just the way we introverts prefer.  Being introverted is not a black and white thing and overlaps with, but is distinct from such things as shyness and being highly sensitive. As the author admits, humans are in reality very complex. We each have a unique mixture of traits.

One of her main themes is that we live in a world that rewards extroversion and we are all encouraged to express ourselves more aggressively if we expect to be "successful."  She is an advocate for introverts a task she feels more comfortable with than in her previous occupation of corporate law. I identify with her advocacy as us introverts see the world as unfair at times. Extroverts have lots of spokespersons.

Many studies demonstrate that extroverts are rewarded more often, although they do not always have the better ideas.  Their strength is action.  Introverts tend to listen more and consequently understand more and often their decisions are better and in more depth.  The arts and sciences are full of introverts. Extrovert action draws more attention.  This is the essence of Susan's contention.

In different parts of the book Susan writes about how introverts try to adapt to a world that seems to be run by extroverts.  Sometimes they make a conscious effort to be more outgoing, sometimes they are able to pick their spots.  Sometimes they are able to make compromises.  Often they naturally gravitate to other introverts, especially if they share common interests.

Early in the book she writes about Dale Carnegie.  I felt a little defensive as I had taken a Dale Carnegie course and was very glad I had.  Looking at it closer my experience does illustrate her point. Dale Carnegie had been born in a rural setting and was originally very shy.  He made a conscious effort to overcome that to the point he could make a rich living helping others do the same.  I was spooked many years ago when I understood I would be speaking in front of 200 plus people at my wedding and took the course.  It helps to overcome inhibitions and to understand what works in expressing yourself.  That description doesn't do the course or Dale Carnegie full justice, but it supports the author's contention.

One chapter is devoted to Asians.  They have developed a reputation of excelling in school and displacing Americans in post secondary education institutions.  It seems to boil down to they spend more time studying.  But worse, they don't socialize the way their non-Asian classmates do.  They are not boisterous or aggressive.  Some Asians have made an effort to encourage more socially outgoing behavior recognizing the path to success requires some extroversion and networking.

In real life introverts and extroverts bang into one another on a daily basis.  Many introverts have learned to do bursts of extroverted behavior in order to win their points.  Often, introverts and extroverts partner, even marry.  Parents and their children are often at cross purposes.  The author advises on how to best nurture a child that is the opposite (or you might say inclining to the opposite tendency). Extroverts and introverts can better understand one another and in fact in many cases feed off one another.

Extroverts are not bad people just because they are resented by the rest of us.  They are often intelligent and have social skills lacking in introverts.  They get things done.  They can work with introverts to their mutual benefit.  The author, Susan Cain married an extrovert.

In her conclusion she states, "If you're a manager remember that one third to one half of your workforce is probably introverted, whether they appear to be that way or not. Think twice about how you design your organization's office space."  If introverts are made comfortable they can contribute their share of productivity.  She cautions against groupthink suggesting that if you are really after creativity to solve problems it might be best to encourage employees to solve problems alone before sharing ideas.

One of the best aids to the benefits of group thinking has been the inter-net.  Lots of solitary thinkers pooling their ideas and building on each other's thoughts have done wondrous things.  

To find out more of Susan and her book check this website http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/