The Power of Regret

 The title seems counter intuitive. We are taught to forget about our past failures and move forward.  Daniel Pink did not let me down as he takes a closer look and tells us how to use our regrets to further our life.  This is a deep book that cannot be read without a lot of personal reflection.  As its subtitle claims you will understand "How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward."

Pink starts with a story about how a famous song got started.  If you know Edith Piaf, you probably have heard "Non, Je ne regrette rien."  The author contends despite the memorable song she had lots of regrets.  She would not otherwise be considered human as she dealt with several relationship breakups, poor health and addiction problems.

 We all do have regrets, but they contain many differences that can help us understand better.  The author is able to suggest different strategies to deal with regrets and even suggests how you can turn the concept to your benefit.  There are many scientific studies and anecdotes to illustrate different perspectives that guide one to cope with feelings of regret.

At one point he identifies four types:  Foundation, Boldness, Moral and Connectivity.  

Foundation refers to the concept of regretting you didn't better prepare for the future, in fact were focused on enjoying life as it happened.  A favorite quote from Bobby Knight "The will to win is not nearly as important as the will to prepare to win."  Winning or getting the most out of life requires a conscious effort.  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2016/05/a-big-disappointment-with-one-of-my.html

Boldness refers to not taking a risk.  Asking someone you wish to know better out.   Or going into business.  You regret the missed opportunity.  Jeff Bezos had a high paying job, but felt the future would be tied to the inter-net and he could make a lot of money selling books on the inter-net.  He quit his job and invested all he could into this new venture that became Amazon.  How he reasoned was to project himself to the age 80 and realized he would regret not taking this risk and at the same time would not regret if his risk failed.  In other words like many regrets it focuses on what was not tried rather than actions that failed.

Moral refers to violations of right behavior.  You felt coerced into something that you at the time and certainly later on knew was wrong.  It could be not speaking up against abusive behavior.  It could be joining in on some form of abuse.  Morality does mean different things to different people and Pink draws upon Jonathan Haidt speaks of a moral foundation that we all have that for many include issues others might not think of that way.  One example might be respect for parents.  Pink comments that Haidt affected his thinking and he also did mine.    http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2013/02/the-righteous-mind.html

Connectivity to the breaking of relationships.  Childhood friends who drift away or an event causes a disruption of a friendship or estrangement within a family.  Pink uses an example of a woman who drifted away from one of her closest friends and then regretted and feared the break.  At different parts of the book he refers to the relationship while in the writing process.  At the end they both are grateful for a reconciliation while the author admits it may not always work out. 

A Chinese proverb says "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago.  The second best time is right now."  Accept you can't change the past, but can do better for the future.  

Often you are harder on yourself than you would be with a friend or even a stranger.  One strategy is self compassion.  Ask yourself if a stranger came to you with the same predicament would you be kind?  Do you feel your regret is unique? or do you feel others share it?   Is your regret an unpleasant moment or does it define your life?  Aligned with this strategy talk of yourself in the third person--doing away with "I" may help distance yourself.

An interesting application was used by staff at Duke University who wanted to increase a response to a survey.  They offered a draw for a gift certificate and split the survey recipients into two groups.  In one group they were told everyone was entered into the draw.  The second group were told that if they hadn't returned the survey they would not be eligible for the prize.  Not surprisingly the second group returned a higher rate of the surveys.  In the second group apparently individuals wanted to avoid missing the prize and this phenomena was labeled "loss aversion."  In other words they anticipated a regret not winning the draw, but losing eligibility.  Some of this thinking was part of the Covid 19 vaccination strategy as some were concerned that if they weren't tested or vaccinated they would regret passing on the virus.

A movie seen many years ago struck me as a courageous way of dealing with regret. In "bachna ae haseeno" (2008) A young man  played by Ranbir Kapoor, about to embark on a new love looked back at some romantic relationships and felt very guilty for how he treated the women.  As it turned out he ended up visiting India, Switzerland, Italy and Australia in an effort to apologize.  The women had all moved on with their lives and in some cases he managed to make their lives smoother.  It had a happy ending, partly because he overcame his regrets and of course the script called for it. 

We all have regrets and as the author guides us we can turn many of them to benefits.  Read the book; this blog is only a sketchy introduction to something that could change your life.

I would like to close with two quotes and a website.

James Baldwin's quote is at the beginning:  "Though we would like to live without regrets and sometimes proudly insist that we have none, that is not really possible, if only because we are moral."

The author ends his book and research with:  "After a few years immersed in the science and experience of our most misunderstood emotion, I've discovered about myself what I discovered about others.  Regret makes me human.  Regret makes me better.  Regret gives me hope."

To get a feel for the book check out (and contribute which I did) to his website:  http://www.worldregretsurvey.com/

An earlier blog on Daniel Pink;s "To Sell is Human"  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2013/06/to-sell-is-human-and-we-all-do-it.html

An earlier  blog on Daniel Pink's   "A Whole New Mind"   http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2014/02/a-whole-new-mind-by-daniel-h-pink.html 

The Best of Enemies

About two years ago it was lamented that no black actors had been nominated for an Oscar, then from my point of view appeared many notable films with black themes (and of course actors).  This past year I have viewed four black themed movies

"Green Book" was sort of a birthday present watched on the big screen and after winning the Oscar it seemed a worthy choice.  Based on true events it let me as an outsider appreciate it was a very nervy endeavor to tour the southern states.  Hypocrisy was obvious from those who enjoyed piano mastery, but denied basic decency.  As I married into an Italian family I enjoyed the black character encountering their culture in a very social way.  Also afterwards I learned that after the film events the pianist also appeared in Hamilton.

"The Hate U Give" was another movie, this time set in Jackson, Mississippi.  Caught between the white and black worlds the lead felt pressured in a murder case.  We got good insight into black struggle for dignity and being practical.  Amanda Stenberg was fantastic. 

"BlacKkKlansman" directed by Spike Lee made one feel good at how a black man fooled some bigots.  Current history hit home a few times.

If "Beale Street Could Talk"  was set up as a love story that was ruined by a racist cop.  There were a lot of complaints about the length.  Originally written by James Baldwin who set up the slow pace.  Full of stereotypical people with a lot of racism.

"The Best of Enemies" showed a different side of the issue--white alienation.  Glad I was able to see special features which included the real characters as well as cast and crew members.  "The Best of Enemies" set in Durham,North Carolina in 1971 was another battle between whites and blacks.  One difference was we were given a glimpse of white alienation.  The white leader, C.P. Ellis came from a poor background, owned a gas station and talked of his joy of being accepted by the Klu Klux Klan and later of becoming their leader.  As the events progressed and he was forced to deal with blacks to solve the problems after a black school suffered a fire he came to understand their viewpoint.  Trying to persuade a white veteran to support the segregationists he learned that a local black had served honorably in Vietnam.  As he was concerned about his own children he came to appreciate that black parents were very concerned about their children's suffering inferior education.  He eventually voted for de-segregation and gave up his Klu Klux Klan membership.  He lost friends, suffered some sabotage at his business, but now that he was willing to serve blacks they saved his business by gassing up.

The principle black advocate was Ann Atwater.  She was a single mother and very active against civil rights abuses.  She hated whites, assuming the worst.  Chosen as a co-chairman along with C.P. Ellis she eventually appreciated all whites were not blind and that she could work with them.

The key facilitator in the events was a black man, Bill Riddick brought in from Raleigh to organize what was called a charrette a process intended as a mediation spread over 10 days.  He was very diplomatic, accepting that whites wanted to protect their interests, but by choosing the two co-chairmen and then a random selection of representative voters and then letting an open discussion of concerns.  There certainly was a risk and coercion was used on the wavering white voters  some of which was effective.  In the end the big surprise with the last decisive vote was C.P. Ellis who had completely changed his attitude.

What made the movie more real to me were special features with the real people who actually became friends and campaigned together on civil rights manner.  I was very impressed by Ann Atwater who use her physical bulk to block doors when confronted by white segregationists.

Robin Bissell was the director, writer and producer.  The idea came from Osha Gray Davidson who had written an article about the actual events.  Robin had been an executive producer of "Free State of Jones," a movie about a small section of the south that managed to be independent of the Civil War rebels.  see more http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2017/09/free-state-of-jones.html

Marcelo Zaros a Brazilian wrote the music.  He had earlier done "Wonder," "Fences" and "Enough Said."

David Lanzenberg" handled the cinematography.  Earlier he had done "The Age of Adaline."

Harry Yoon was the editor.  An earlier film for him was "Detroit.
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Sam Rockwell played the Klu Klux Klan leader.  Movie fans have a tendency to project personal attributes of a role.  Sam has played a lot of what might be called country bumpkins and in this film played at the beginning a prejudiced man who regularly used the n word.  To me it is acting at his finest when one can subvert their own views to project a repulsive image.  Sam also did a good job as George W. Bush in "Vice."  He won best supporting actor for "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri." 

Taraji P Henson played Ann Atwater.  Earlier in the same year she had been in "What Men Want," with a very different physical appearance and persona.  She has also appeared in "Hidden Figures." She was nominated for the Oscar best supporting actress in "The Case of Benjamin Button."  She paid for her education at Howard University as a secretary at the Pentagon during the day and as a singing/dancing waitress on a dining cruise.  An ex boyfriend and father of her child had been murdered.

Babou Ceesay, a British actor played Bill Riddick, the one who kept calm and facilitated aggressive antagonists to negotiate.  He appeared in "Eye in the Sky,"  After "The Best of Enemies" he appeared in what looks to be an interesting British tv series, "Dark Money."

Hate cannot exist without ignorance.   The process in this film would be difficult to form when circumstances are full of hate and little willingness to compromise, however an ideal to strive for.  Student exchanges are popular, but are mostly among relatively open minded people.