The Power of Regret

 The title seems counter intuitive. We are taught to forget about our past failures and move forward.  Daniel Pink did not let me down as he takes a closer look and tells us how to use our regrets to further our life.  This is a deep book that cannot be read without a lot of personal reflection.  As its subtitle claims you will understand "How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward."

Pink starts with a story about how a famous song got started.  If you know Edith Piaf, you probably have heard "Non, Je ne regrette rien."  The author contends despite the memorable song she had lots of regrets.  She would not otherwise be considered human as she dealt with several relationship breakups, poor health and addiction problems.

 We all do have regrets, but they contain many differences that can help us understand better.  The author is able to suggest different strategies to deal with regrets and even suggests how you can turn the concept to your benefit.  There are many scientific studies and anecdotes to illustrate different perspectives that guide one to cope with feelings of regret.

At one point he identifies four types:  Foundation, Boldness, Moral and Connectivity.  

Foundation refers to the concept of regretting you didn't better prepare for the future, in fact were focused on enjoying life as it happened.  A favorite quote from Bobby Knight "The will to win is not nearly as important as the will to prepare to win."  Winning or getting the most out of life requires a conscious effort.  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2016/05/a-big-disappointment-with-one-of-my.html

Boldness refers to not taking a risk.  Asking someone you wish to know better out.   Or going into business.  You regret the missed opportunity.  Jeff Bezos had a high paying job, but felt the future would be tied to the inter-net and he could make a lot of money selling books on the inter-net.  He quit his job and invested all he could into this new venture that became Amazon.  How he reasoned was to project himself to the age 80 and realized he would regret not taking this risk and at the same time would not regret if his risk failed.  In other words like many regrets it focuses on what was not tried rather than actions that failed.

Moral refers to violations of right behavior.  You felt coerced into something that you at the time and certainly later on knew was wrong.  It could be not speaking up against abusive behavior.  It could be joining in on some form of abuse.  Morality does mean different things to different people and Pink draws upon Jonathan Haidt speaks of a moral foundation that we all have that for many include issues others might not think of that way.  One example might be respect for parents.  Pink comments that Haidt affected his thinking and he also did mine.    http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2013/02/the-righteous-mind.html

Connectivity to the breaking of relationships.  Childhood friends who drift away or an event causes a disruption of a friendship or estrangement within a family.  Pink uses an example of a woman who drifted away from one of her closest friends and then regretted and feared the break.  At different parts of the book he refers to the relationship while in the writing process.  At the end they both are grateful for a reconciliation while the author admits it may not always work out. 

A Chinese proverb says "The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago.  The second best time is right now."  Accept you can't change the past, but can do better for the future.  

Often you are harder on yourself than you would be with a friend or even a stranger.  One strategy is self compassion.  Ask yourself if a stranger came to you with the same predicament would you be kind?  Do you feel your regret is unique? or do you feel others share it?   Is your regret an unpleasant moment or does it define your life?  Aligned with this strategy talk of yourself in the third person--doing away with "I" may help distance yourself.

An interesting application was used by staff at Duke University who wanted to increase a response to a survey.  They offered a draw for a gift certificate and split the survey recipients into two groups.  In one group they were told everyone was entered into the draw.  The second group were told that if they hadn't returned the survey they would not be eligible for the prize.  Not surprisingly the second group returned a higher rate of the surveys.  In the second group apparently individuals wanted to avoid missing the prize and this phenomena was labeled "loss aversion."  In other words they anticipated a regret not winning the draw, but losing eligibility.  Some of this thinking was part of the Covid 19 vaccination strategy as some were concerned that if they weren't tested or vaccinated they would regret passing on the virus.

A movie seen many years ago struck me as a courageous way of dealing with regret. In "bachna ae haseeno" (2008) A young man  played by Ranbir Kapoor, about to embark on a new love looked back at some romantic relationships and felt very guilty for how he treated the women.  As it turned out he ended up visiting India, Switzerland, Italy and Australia in an effort to apologize.  The women had all moved on with their lives and in some cases he managed to make their lives smoother.  It had a happy ending, partly because he overcame his regrets and of course the script called for it. 

We all have regrets and as the author guides us we can turn many of them to benefits.  Read the book; this blog is only a sketchy introduction to something that could change your life.

I would like to close with two quotes and a website.

James Baldwin's quote is at the beginning:  "Though we would like to live without regrets and sometimes proudly insist that we have none, that is not really possible, if only because we are moral."

The author ends his book and research with:  "After a few years immersed in the science and experience of our most misunderstood emotion, I've discovered about myself what I discovered about others.  Regret makes me human.  Regret makes me better.  Regret gives me hope."

To get a feel for the book check out (and contribute which I did) to his website:  http://www.worldregretsurvey.com/

An earlier blog on Daniel Pink;s "To Sell is Human"  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2013/06/to-sell-is-human-and-we-all-do-it.html

An earlier  blog on Daniel Pink's   "A Whole New Mind"   http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2014/02/a-whole-new-mind-by-daniel-h-pink.html 

Sharmaji Namkeen

"Sharmaji Namkeen" (2022) is an interesting movie, as it turns out to be the last one for a former Bollywood superstar.  The topic is retirement with family restrictions.  With no choice in the matter Sharma is forced to retire.  Families have an idea of what is proper behavior for their widower father.  As you  might imagine old people often appear to be out of date to their offspring.

An inescapable fact is that the leading man died during the filming leaving the dilemma of how to carry on.  Rishi Kapoor was only 67 when he died and they had already done a significant footage of film.  Rishi was key to the film and it would not be effective to not include his role in the remaining filming and too expensive to start from scratch.  They decided to hire a double and chose Paresh Rawal, a well established actor of a similar build.  Makeup and costume design help smooth over the small amount of dissonance.  In truth I am more of a Paresh Rawal fan, but was not sure which was which.  The role switches don't interfere with the story.

Ranbir Kapoor, son of Rishi Kapoor and a major star in his own right does a bilingual (English and Hindi) explanation to start the film.

After Sharma is left at home he is lost for what to do.  His eldest son Rinku ridicules many of his efforts and seems more concerned about what his friends and prospective relatives would think.  His son is getting married and planning to move into his own flat.  Through some misunderstanding (where would the film industry be without misunderstandings?) Sharma ends up cooking for a group of middle aged women who are delighted with what he offers.  He loosens up, gets involved with their games of charade and breaks into a dance once in awhile.  Someone posted a video of it and it reaches his son who is very embarrassed by it and objects to his dad's activities.  Eventually the father and son become mutually supportive with the help of the women's group.  It did seem to me the story could have been extended for a more satisfying ending, but undoubtedly the filming process had dragged on too long.

It is a satisfying ending in that Sharma does finally get to enjoy his retirement.  IMDB followers give it a better than average rating.  The end credits showed a few clips of Rishi in rehearsals, often giving out instructions to make the scene more effective.

The cast and crew had a tougher time than usual finishing this film and deserve some recognition.

Farhan Akhtar was one of the producers.  He started producing with a classic, "Dil Chatha Hai" (2001), then went on to "Lakshya" (2004), "Don" (2006) and many others.  He has since become a major actor with such films as "Rock On" (2008), "Karthik Calllng Karthik" (2010), "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara" (2011), "Dil Dhadakne Do" (2015) and "The Sky is Pink" (2019).   check an older blog:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2011/11/farhan-akhtar-young-man-on-rise-in.html

Hitesh Bhatia was both director and writer.  It is only his second film.  He had been concerned about how the Kapoor family would accept the final film, but they loved it.  He described the last shot that was intended to be a long shot, but Rishi thought a close up would be better and waited for the makeup people to do their job.

Supratik Sen was a co-writer.  He has been involved with scripts for "Kaminey" (2009), "Kai Po Che" (2013), "Parched" (2015),"Fitoor" (2016), and "Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui" (2021). Check: http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2022/01/chandigarh-kare-aashiqui-another-social.html

Rishi Kapoor was the main character Sharma.  Rishi got an early start in films due to family connections.  Over 150 films including as a leading man, comic roles and even villains.  His films include "Bobby" (1973), "Luck by Chance" (2009), "Agneepath" (2012), "Jab Tak Hai Jaan" (2012)."Sanam Re" (2016), "Kapoor & Sons" (2016), and "102 Not Out" (2018).  During the filming of "Sharmaji Namkeen" he died in 2020/

Paresh Rawal stepped in to finish the role.  He has over 200 acting credits including such films as "Heri Pheri" (2000),  "Cheeni Kum" (2007), "Jaane Tu" (2008), "Road to Sangam" (2009), "Paa" (2009), "OMG Oh My God!" (2012), "Table No. 21" (2017) and "Sanju" (2018).  He has also produced hundreds of tv series episodes.  On top of all that he was a Member or Parliament 2014-2019. 

Juhi Chawla,who had a substantial supporting role was a big reason I decided to watch this film.  She is very deft with comedy, but has also done well in dramatic roles.  She is very subtle, which might be appreciated when she does charades both at a party, but also jailside.  As a former Miss India she once played the romantic lead in a number of movies.  Her hits include "Yes Boss" (1997), "Duplicate" (1998),  "3 Deewarein" (2003) "My Brother...Nikhil" ( 2005) and "Ventilator" (2018).  She formed a partnership with Shah Rukh Khah that led to Red Chillies Entertainment.  Lately her talents seem to be used mostly in comic roles, although she had had some involvement as a producer and has selected some socially relevant roles.  Check:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2020/07/ventilator-serious-movie-with-comic.html

 Suhail Nayyar played Rinku the son of Sharma.  His film credits included "Udta Punjab" (2016) and "Hotel Mumbai" (2018).

 Isha Talwar played the prospective daughter in law.  Her film credits include "Bangalore Days" (2014), "Tubelight" (2017), "Har Kisse Ke Hisse Kaamyrab" (2018), Article 15" (2019) and "Ginny Weds Sunny" (2020) .   Check:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2021/03/bangalore-days.html

Ranbir Kapoor, the son of Rishi Kapoor who not only gave the introduction, but also permission to carry on with the role switch.  Ranbir has established himself with a number of films such as "Wake up Sid" (2009), "Barfi" (2012), "Tamasha" (2015), "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil" (2016) and "Sanju" (2018).  Check out:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2016/02/tamasha-wonderful-story.html

 This is an enjoyable two hours.  If you are like me you can appreciate that retirement is a time of opportunities.  The last chance to see Rishi Kapoor who left a legion of fans.

Movies I have seen are bolded at their first mention.

TAMASHA, A WONDERFUL STORY ABOUT STORY TELLING

After almost forty movies this year, including many very good ones such as "Birdman",  this is the first I felt compelled to review.  You might think that a Bollywood movie only reflects my bias, but honestly this has universal themes that will hit most of you.  Like many it has a touching romance and like a few others it has appeal to the intellect, but most of all it a great story about story telling.

It is very confusing at the beginning with elements that may not fit in with your first preconceptions.  Eventually the little streams will join together and make a lot of sense.  Flashbacks help bring the present into context.  Tells the story very well after getting your attention.

Most romance movies depend heavily on misunderstandings.  Most finding oneself stories depend on conflict within the self.  "Tamasha" illustrates both of these dynamics uniquely because it also encompasses the dynamics of story telling.

Imtiaz Ali, the director writer has done a lot of excellent movies such as "Jab We Met" "Rockstar" and "Highway."  It seems likely there are elements of autobiography.  Directing and writing are the two most creative jobs in a movie which is really a story with special effects.  In his commentary Imitaz tells us that one of the mechanisms of the story comes from his brother Arif, also a movie director who had a friend visiting a foreign holiday destination and to have more fun didn't want to give his name or learn the name of a romantic partner.

Ranbir Kapoor, son of Rishi Kapoor got off to a pretty good start in his movie career, but has run a few flops.  This movie should set him back on the right path.  Deepika Padukone has been doing very well and has even deviated off commercial movies to more artistic challenges with success.  The two were a couple a few years ago, but broke up.  Deepika once insulted Ranbir on a tv talk show in a very delicate manner.  However they really fit together very well--both loving and hurting each other.

One other actor deserves mention, Javed Sheikh who plays Ranbir's father.  He displays some subtle emotion when it makes a big difference.

A common thread throughout is story telling.  There is some sort of theatrical presentation at the beginning, but before long the camera switched to a scene with a young boy being enthralled by an older reluctant story teller who he pays.  At first the story teller recounts a tale from Hindu mythology and later of the ancient Greeks.  Later we hear references to Biblical stories.

In the romance Deepika is imagined as a bold thief with access to a fortune in gold.  Ranbir pictures himself as a spy chasing her.  Much later this plays into another connecting mechanism.

A. R. Rahman, known to North Americans for the Oscar winning music in "Slumdog Millionaire"wrote the music. He has written some of the best music ever written for movies.  The music in "Tamasha" is good, but not his best.  I did add one song to my iTunes collection.

Interesting locations.  A major part is in Corsica where the two main characters meet and enjoy the land and seascape.  Other scenes included Kolkotta, Delhi, Simla and Tokyo (where rain cut down the scenery they wanted).  Overall the cinematography is excellent.

The book "Catch 22" was the mechanism to allow them to reconnect.  The man brought a copy to Corsica with a book store mark and  he commented on where he got it.  A few years later it enabled the woman to find our hero in a different city.

This is a very visual movie with lots of ingenuous settings.  Many details are used to make a point, some of which you will catch easily, but others you will appreciate more with a subsequent viewing.

In Bollywood stories are told with scenery, music, dance and of course words.  The viewer will see that based on his story telling talents the hero gains more tools over time.

Story telling is important to us all.  I remember writing about how important stories are to selling products and ideas:  see  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2011/06/tell-to-win-offers-winning-formula.html People don't buy statistics at least not until after they hear the story.  The best story tellers use all sorts of tools when they get the opportunity.

Anushka Sharma, actress on the rise

Anushka Sharma has gotten my attention as a bubbly attractive female, but lately has expanded and really drawn my admiration.  Born in 1988 in Bangalore to an army officer father.  Anushka was more interested in modelling than acting, but of course a few models do end up acting, usually picked for their looks and personality.

Her first film was "Rab de Bana Di Jodi" in 2008 directed and written by Aditya Chopra,  starring Shah Rukh Khan.  The movie set up a contrast between a drab husband and a younger active girl--of course we know Shah Rukh is no drab guy and creates an alter ego to win the love of his wife by luring her into being a dance partner for a contest although she does not recognize him.  Basically she played an attractive bubbly great dancer who felt a conflict between her dance partner and her husband which of course was happily resolved.  A bit about her first leading man:  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2016/06/shah-rukh-khan-worlds-most-famous-actor.html

"Badmaa$h Company" followed in 2010 where she was paired off with Shahid Kapoor and both were con artists with shady business practices.  A little expansion in acting requirements displaying the confidence that defines a con artist and a little conflict with her lover.

"Wedding Planners"came next  in the same year with a bigger role.  As the star Anushka given a wider range of emotions to display.  Ranveer Singh debuted opposite her and this was a very popular pairing with what critics like to call chemistry.  Both of them made a breakthrough with this popular movie and for awhile were a couple in real life.

In fact in 2011 with one movie in between "Ladies vs Ricky Bahl" paired the two again.  The first part sets up Ranveer as a con man taking advantage of vulnerable women.  Parineeti Chopra makes her debut and has gone onto bigger roles (and is one my favorites).  Anushka makes her first appearance an hour into the movie and shows she can take advantage of the lady killer.  It won't surprise you that she humbles him, but it should impress you how she does it.

"Patiala House" released a little earlier in 2011 paired Anushka with Akshay Kumar, set in London England.  Anushka played a mixed race woman getting involved in a family feud.  Apparently one of Akshay's better movies.

In "Jab Tak Hai Jaan," released in 2012 she played in movie where Shah Rukh Khan made his first on lip kiss, but not with her.  She played a meddling bubbly reporter.  Not many actresses enjoy playing the second lead, but this was the first time for her and gave her a chance to be a part of Yash Chopra's last movie as a director.

I didn't see her next film with Imran Khan, "Matru ki Bijlee ka Mandola" and she apparently played another exuberant role.  Pankaj Kapur played her father.

"PK" written and directed by Rajkumar Hirani, in 2014  followed and it is as close to a masterpiece as she has been in.  Aamir Khan chose this vehicle for a religious satire and again she was a bubbly reporter, but her comic timing was in full display.  She also shows a short hair cut for the first time that takes a little getting used to.  I enjoyed this movie so much I devoted a post to it.  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2015/03/pk.html

"NH10" released in 2015 (standing for National Highway 10) is what inspired this blog.  This movie turned into an action thriller and she carried the movie.  She was a producer for the first time and perhaps that gave her the opportunity to really demonstrate her range.  She was a more mature married professional woman with a level of sophistication and displayed some romanticism.  Then the movie turned violent, with her first as a victim and then the revenger.  This was a woman centric role, very slickly done. She intends to get involved in producing with a few projects being discussed.

Her next movie is fairly recent and I have not had a chance to see it.  "Bombay Velvet" directed and written by Anurag Kashyap and starring Ranbir Kappor was touted as a block buster, but fizzled at the box office.  It was said that Anurag tried a different narrative style that did not strike a chord with his fan base.

She is working on "Dil Dhadakne Do" directed and written by Zoya Akhtar with a multi star cast and apparently is paired with Ranveer Singh once again, but they are no longer a couple.  She is dating Vir Kohli an Indian cricket star.  It looks like she is the second leading lady with Priyanka Chopra the first female attraction.  This has the markings of a big hit.

Recently announced for a 2016 release "Ae Dil Hai Mushkil" with Karan Johar directing and Aishawarya Rai Bachchan continuing her come back.  Anushka will be playing the second lead again.  If an actress can hold her ego in check, playing second fiddle can lead to meaningful movies and roles.

If you are into Bollywood movies you already like her and if you haven't checked out Bollywood, she is a good place to start.

Anupam Kher an actor I have learned to respect.

Anupam Kher epitomizes for me the worst and the best of Bollywood.   I am of two minds on Anupam.  In some films I have been embarrassed thinking his acting reminded me too much of Jerry Lewis at his worst.  I had seen enough of Bollywood to find lots of things to like, but could also see why my North American acquaintances tend to cringe when they think of it.  As an excuse, I can appreciate that to get ahead in a career you do whatever is required--Steve Martin was pretty wild when he hit my attention, but has proved to be pretty good at serious drama, enjoyable comedy and has done some serious writing.  Bollywood has always tried to cater to families (from Grandmother to the kids) and comic relief is important.

On the other hand Anupam has demonstrated his versatility.  We movie goers tend to judge the actors by what we see on the screen.  He has managed to take part in a lot of critically acclaimed films as well as some very popular ones.  Obviously he fits in well with film crews and has proven to be very flexible.  He has worked with a lot of well known directors, producers and other actors in at least five countries.  He is popular as a father figure, but that description covers in his case a wide range of styles.

Over 350 films.  Not usually a leading character, but he still must have juggled a lot to fit it all in  He is busier than ever and seems to like it.  He has also acted as an ambassador for Bollywood and been involved with acting schools.

Anupam started making films in 1982.  His first English speaking movie in 1984 was "Kim" starring Peter O'Toole, but Anupam was uncredited.

He has appeared in some of my very favorite movies such as "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" as Rani Mukerji's father (and Shah Rukh Khan's father in law), but in this one I feel he overdid the comic relief.   On the other hand he played a deft hand in comedy and drama as Shah Rukh Khan's father in the trend setting classic,  "Diwali Dulhania le Jayenge" where he won an award for comedy.  

In "Darr," a scary movie he played comic relief excessively--but perhaps this movie really required comic relief.  In any case he won best supporting actor in a comic role from Filmfare.

Playing the father role in a very professional manner is more normal.  In "Wake up Sid" as father to Ranbir Kapoor he played a tough, but loving father in an excellent coming of age movie.  In "Vivah" he played a father encouraging his son, Shahid Kapoor to get married and was supportive of the prospective bride's family (in some ways from a relatively lower class). In "Dil Bole Hadippa" he was a cricket loving father again to Shahid.  In "Badma$h Company" again played father to Shahid , but as a tough ethical business man disappointed in his son.  In "Pyar Impossible" wearing a wig he played an empathetic father to producer director Uday Chopra in a movie not highly rated, but enjoyable to watch.

In "A Wednesday" he played the Mumbai city police commissioner threatened by bombs from Nasseruddin Shah. A lot of tension in this movie which won a number of awards.

In "Breakaway" Anupam came to Toronto and played the father to Vinay Virmani who wrote the script.  Hockey was the key ingredient linking Sikhs and Canada's national game.  Russell Peters gave it some more Canadian flavour.  Anupam had played a cricket playing father in "Bend it Like Beckham."

In "Silver Lining Playbook" he played a psychiatrist and with the rest of the cast had been nominated for awards as part of an ensemble cast.  

"Bride and Prejudice" saw him as father to Aishwarya Rai Bachchan "in a remake of Pride and Prejudice".  He appeared in an ER episode with his wife Kiron,

In "Veer-Zaara," he played a tough ruthless Pakistani lawyer,  In "Paheli," another favorite movie he was a greedy merchant.  "Rang De Basanti" was another classic movie starring Aamir Khan.

"Lust-Caution!" by Ang Lee (one of the hard to forget movies) set in China with mostly Chinese dialect during World War II.  He played a shady character

"Special 26" can compare itself to "Oceans Eleven" favorably.  Akshay Kumar led the cast, but Anupam played a very clever con man with a large brood of children.  He was excellent.

"Jab Tak Hai Jaan" was the last film for director  Yash Chopra's and was noted for Shah Rukh Khan's first screen kiss.  Anupam played the father of Katrina Kaif.

"Maine Gandhi ko Nahin Mara" pictured at the top with Urmila Matondkar was the movie that inspired this blog post.  Anupam was a producer and really gave a top notch performance in the difficult role of a man with Alzheimer's.  He paid his dues and will be remembered for this role and dozens of others.  He added value to a number of worthy movies.  When I now see his name I know there must be something good to look forward to.

Mar 1/11 Enjoyed  watching him in "New Amsterdam" disappointed to see him leave, but understand.  Look forward to future endeavours.