GENERATION BABY BUSTER

This documentary film presented an interesting topic: why more women are rejecting the idea of becoming mothers.  Terra Renton took on this as a personal quest to do with her own life.  At age 32 she had put off the choice and now was wondering if she really wanted to stick to her resolution.  She had been involved with a tv show "Mantracker" and has some expertise and resources to really delve into it.

Before too long the choice boils down to the pros and cons.  The cons seem pretty frightful.  Your life is taken over.  Spouses and close friends tend to be neglected.  Careers are curtailed.  Lifestyles are altered.  On the other side is some parental and society pressure and buried in there are that you live for someone outside your self which is supposed to be fulfilling.

Along the way we uncover some trends.  I have observed and participated to some extent in these trends.  Fathers are now getting more involved in parenting, but are still dealing with their masculinity being questioned.  Previously fathers had been expected to be the bread winners and kept separate from raising children, except perhaps for discipline.

For myself I had accepted some of my father's habits and when my daughter was born, I didn't change diapers except in an emergency.  I did very little housework.  I did work long hours for a number of years in circulation departments of morning newspapers.  I developed habits of getting up early, around 5 or even earlier and often had to work late.  Later in life I ended up being a traveling salesman often leaving early and returning late and sometimes going away for a week at a time.

In the meantime I had a son born and things had started to change.  It had been pointed out to me that my brother-in-law, ten years younger and now my boss changed diapers and I found myself doing that a lot more.  I also did a little more housework.   I found myself not only getting involved with my children's extra curricular activities (dance, swimming, soccer, water polo), but also got involved in reading bedtime stories and even taught both of them to read.  Read about my volunteering http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2013/06/my-career-as-sports-volunteer.html  Here read about my proudest achievement teaching my kids to read.  http://www.therealjohndavidson.com/2012/10/my-proudest-achievement.html

In the film young women are portrayed as wanting to avoid all the encumbrances of child rearing.  It seems that consumerism impacted their choices.  Having a child would interfere with lots of things--vacations, entertainment and material goods.  All that is true.  Everything has a cost.  I didn't really think of parenthood before marriage and even in the early days after marriage it wasn't something I looked forward to.  But now I feel life was very selfish before and now is more meaningful and fulfilling.

My parents married young and I had been told they tried to have a baby right away, but I made them wait over a year.  Then they relaxed and my sister was born only a year and a half later.  Altogether they had six children with my youngest sister born 18 years apart from me.  I was told she was not an accident.  Still I had no wish to duplicate my parents feat.

There are a number of different angles  One point is that the role of men is changing and needs to be supported.  The United States is the only industrial nation not to have paid parental leave and thus conscious decisions are more difficult.  Parents have become over protective

One interesting example was given by Lenore Skenzy who was a reporter with a nine year old son who felt over protected.  He wanted to take a subway in New York to his home in Queens by himself.  Lenore and her husband were a little fearful, but finally they decided to give him the opportunity.  As she realized fear is overblown--violence is actually down unless you watch too much tv.  I remember being  a little fearful that my son (probably about nine) was sometimes the last one out of the house for a family trip and resented that we didn't trust him to lock the door.  Eventually I found that my son was worthy of trust.

It is universal that birth rates are declining.  At least two factors are important.  One is urbanization and the other (pointed out in the film) is secularization.  Fundamentalists whether Christian, Jewish or Muslim tend to have more children.  For us secularists it is frightening to think the world will be taken over by fundamentalists.  Consumerism is another foe for increasing the birth rate.

The family itself is losing its strength.  Many of us grew up with brothers and sisters and even more likely with cousins and aunts and uncles all of whom influenced us.  Without the one child China policy more of our Western cultures are producing fewer brothers and sisters and therefore fewer cousins and aunt and uncles.

The goal of everyone is to find the right balance.  Now that women have a choice it is not hard to understand why many prefer not to have the burden of motherhood, especially at a young age.  Society to survive has to have replacements, but unwanted babies end up causing problems.  For the individual they need to really think about this most important decision.  How this is accomplished should be a much higher priority

Terra is extraordinarily honest.  Conscious of the ticking clock she decided to examine the issue from all sides.  She talked to a wide variety of experts from Canada, the United States, Europe and Australia.  Music was provided by Dorothea Tachler

There is a Facebook page you can keep up to date with: https://www.facebook.com/generationbabybuster/

The importance of importance. How important are you?

Someone once criticized me because I was too busy, always trying to drum up business.  I was told that I must feel so important.  I don't see it that way--important people are asked for their advice, because it is respected as is their time.  Most of us are striving to become important so that at some point people will seek our advice (and to some degree pay for it). The truth is everyone has some importance, but all too often it is not recognized.

Real importance comes from the value you can give other people.  We all have potential and we all have talents and knowledge unknown to others.  Your opinion is sought by those who realize you are a consumer, maybe a voter.

Other people are important.  They have their own agenda and you should not assume you know what it might or should be.  If appropriate, ask. They might be grateful or they might be annoyed.  Proceed accordingly

You respect that importance, not by trying to sell them the hottest new item, (or convince them you are right about some issue) but by listening to their concerns and determining their needs and offering them the best package you have if it is appropriate.  You develop personal relationships by understanding and respecting the thinking and feelings of other people.

These are things I have learned as a salesman, a parent, an employee.   I have not mastered the art of helping other people nor do I expect to, but I will keep learning and trying.

MY PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT

Life has been good to me in many ways and I feel proud of accomplishments along the way--school, sports, work.  My proudest achievement wasn't from any of these fields or learning anything. Teaching provided my greatest satisfaction.

A critical step in my development was my mother reading bedtime stories to me which was just taken for granted.  At about age 8, I was hospitalized for a week and blindfolded after eye surgery.  My mother visited every day and read stories to me.  Thornton W Burgess with his Bedtime stories became an obsession. Reading opened up the world for me.

I wasn't a particularly good father--my impatience and self interest kept getting in the way.  When my first child came I wasn't mentally prepared although my intentions were honorable.  Too often avoided doing my share of what needed to be done.

At the library one day I stumbled on a book (meaning I wasn't looking for it), "Teach your Child to Read in 60 Days" by Sidney Ledson.  It was about how one father had taught his young children to read in 60 days.  Through divorce he had become a single parent and was frustrated trying to do his job and raise two young children.  He thought about the problem a lot and realized that if his children could occupy themselves he would have more time to himself and maybe even relax a little.

He already read to his children and found it demanding although somewhat enjoyable.  He hit upon the idea of teaching his children to read so they would want to read on their own and not require so much of his time and energy.  I could identify with this.  Copying my mother I had already decided that reading to my daughter would be a part of fatherhood I could feel comfortable with.  I also could identify with the craving for more time as I worked long hours and felt deprived of adult conversation, and all the tempting things on tv and bookshelves.

The author realized it had to be fun or the effort would just be a form of torture for all parties. English is a troublesome language to read, but he figured out a lot of common words do have some phonetic consistency.

Heather was either in kindergarten or grade 1 at this time.  At first I followed the book model and cut out letters and got my daughter to make a "C" sound which really was more like Q or K and then moved on to the "A" sounding more like ah and then "T" sounding something like "tuh".  Then slur them together to arrive at "cat".  When she was able to produce that, followed by laughing it actually made me feel I had accomplished something.

Now that it was established as sort of a fun ritual we went through the alphabet learning new sounds and slurring them with already established words.  The next sequence included bat, fat, mat and by this time my daughter Heather was suggesting other rhyming words.

At some stage we diverted from the book and started making up words using strange but common English combinations that don't work so good like "ight" and putting them with already learned sounds and coming up with night, light, right, fright, fight, etc.

All this time I was still reading stories as part of the reward system, but occasionally spotting a word that Heather could sound out.  At first she was annoyed as that slowed down the story telling however she also developed some satisfaction when she could pick out more difficult words.  I looked for very simple books (spending more time in the children's section than the adult) and encouraged her to read to me.  At some point there seemed to be a big breakthrough and I could tell that she was figuring things out on her own and laughing at me for falling behind.  That was the most satisfying of all and before too long she was picking out books and I was reading to her less.

My son Michael was four years behind in years, but I had had more practice.  It was only two or three years before his reading lessons began.  By this time I was aware that some teachers felt phonetic reading was a bad start for kids learning to read English, but I was pretty confident it worked.  Of course there are many words that don't sound out logically, but through life we are always learning rules and exceptions.  The pace was very similar in his progress.

Children's books are often not  "childish." There is adult wisdom and certainly many are entertaining.  One I remember was "The King's Stilts" that hit me hard.  I worked for a newspaper circulation department at the time and all too often I would start early (part of career was with morning newspapers) and often work late to either canvass or to talk with carriers who had been at school most of the day.  It seemed normal to me as my father had been a truck driver who very often worked 14 hour days.  In the Dr Seuss book the king spends the morning doing his kingly duties very conscientiously, but in the afternoon he would get on his stilts and really enjoy himself.  When the stilts were stolen he lost his joy of life and his kingly duties suffered dangerously.  A good lesson for all and in the story his interest and energy were restored when his stilts were recovered.

When I visited Michael while he was at the University of Victoria I walked through an art event and realized I recognized one of the artists participating.  It was Ted Harrison who wrote and illustrated a children's book on the Yukon.

With both Heather and Michael there was a boost of interest in books.  They were always looking for more interesting stuff.  They are both above average in intelligence so maybe all that would have happened anyway.  I like to think I am very intelligent (not everyone notices), but when I think back I am grateful for my mother's efforts in reading to me.

Both my children, now adults  are working with youngsters and opening up minds.  Heather works at a community centre and deals with youngsters outside school hours.  My son Michael not able to get a teaching job in Canada has been in Korea, Tanzania, England and now New Zealand teaching.  I am proud of them both and like to think I helped get them started.

"The Sibling Effect" a book review about most people's longest relationship

I hesitate to get into this book as it hits a lot of nerves and it will for many of you.  The author Jeffrey Kluger, a senior writer at Time magazine has a lot of personal connections to the topic.  He is forthright in his personal life which helps the reader understand our own childhood and relationships.

Jeffrey brings up his own personal situation in stages to illustrate different points.  He is the second born of four boys and was brought up by a somewhat abusive father and addicted mother, that is until a few pages later we learn his parents divorced.  Still later we learn his mother remarries and for a short time he lives in a blended family that now includes two girls.  After learning that doesn't work out we learn that his father remarries and has twins, a boy and a girl.  We learn that his older brother comes out of the closet (not quite following a trend).  He himself has two girls and his wife was in the middle of two brothers in a Mexican family.  His own feelings in relating to siblings and parents will remind many readers of their own feelings.

He brings up all sorts of studies concerned about birth order, size of family, gender mixing that offer explanations for phenomena many of us have experienced, allowing for exceptions to every rule.  He brings up special cases like only children, twins, triplets the effects of divorce, etc.  Siblings provide relationships that help us cope with the world, but for some children cousins perform that same function.  In China with its one child policy, one thing that is overlooked is that the parents are often only children as well and that means there are no aunts or uncles or cousins to keep families together.

I am the oldest of six, my wife is the oldest of 3 and for over 20 years we lived with our oldest daughter and her younger brother.  In many ways it is easy to identify how we fit the trends.  Three of us fit a general profile of the first born.  I have some kind of relationship with four of my siblings, but one is estranged, though not through the wishes of the rest of us.  I know my first cousins and occasionally connect with them.  On my wife's side there was a much greater connection among brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.

One contention of the author which I hadn't thought about was that siblings are very often the longest and closest of all our relationships.  It is normal to have siblings only a few years older or younger than you, but even with bigger age gaps you share a lot in common that outsiders really can't quite understand.  Usually you know your siblings longer than any other people you relate to including parents, spouses, co-workers, even friends.  There is a strength in family that most of us can count on, and that all of us should cultivate.